Today is Tuesday May 8th 2012, my 32nd birthday. As I write these words in this fancy ass notebook, I’m sitting outside on the dock of one of my favorite bays in South Jersey contemplating my life. Not in an “oh my god, I can’t deal with this anymore” kind of way…it’s quite the opposite, really. I was supposed to do things to day (like go to therapy and work) but things happen. My session was rescheduled and and I said fuck work because you only turn 32 once…no matter WHAT them ladywimmenz tell you.
So yeah, back to the reflection. It’s been a REEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY rough year for me so far. I had to remove some people from my life, reduce my interaction with others, and speak up for myself to yet ANOTHER few people. I learned some things about myself. I REMEMBERED some things about myself. I can honestly say that the hardest thing has been letting people in. A couple people in particular, one in specific.
I’m the person that people go to for help with their problems. That’s fine and dandy..but what are you supposed to do when YOU’RE the one with the problem? Bueller? BUELLER? Exactly. Not one person knows what to do because YOU usually have all the answers. So they stand around looking at each other to no end. Lost. Then they look at you hoping that you’ll come to your senses or figure shit out before it gets too bad. It’s not that they don’t want to be there for you, because they do. They REALLY do. They’re just not equipped to handle the situation when the Fixer needs fixing. Or helping. But I’m aight. I took the necessary steps to ensure that I’ll be ok. Better than ok, actually. I’m good. I know it. I believe it.
There’s people I need to thank on an individual level, but they know who they are. And I’m pretty sure they’re tired of me apologizing for taking up their time and thanking them for being there. You know who you are and what you did. Words…I can’t find them to stress how much the talks and the listening sessions meant to me. Thank you. LOL
And then there’s YOU. Thank you for the second chance. I promise not to fuck it up.